| Well you done, done me in |
[02 Jun 2009|02:17pm] |
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music |
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Johnny Cash |
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So... less than a month to go until the grand ol' USA takes me back.
Lately I've been very mixed emotiony. I'm a little depressed, I think, especially seeing that everyone is home now and having fun well, without me. It's dumb, but I really can't help it. Compounding that overwhelming feeling is the fact that right now I have a tremendous amount of downtime on my hands... I literally have only two finals within the next 26 days. Ridiculous.
I've been having a hard time going out and partying lately, too. More than lately. I think it was since I freaked out in Rome and verbally harassed Jeff at 5 in the morning. It was awful, and I still don't think I can forgive myself for it. But it's really dragging me down.
What also sucks is I have all of this free time to travel, but no one to travel with, because no one else has such an open schedule. I'll be going with Jess to Amsterdam after my last final (June 19), but other than that, I'll be trapped in Belgium. Hopefully I can at least get out to the coast (Oostende).
And, on the bright side, this will give me a lot of time to read. I picked up "The Curious Incident of the Dog int he Night-Time" (Mark Haddon) and "Slaughterhouse 5" (Kurt Vonnegut) to start with, but I have a feeling I'll power through more than just though two books before I leave.
I feel so out of place lately. I'm always paranoid about fitting in, but lately I've just felt so anti-social and strange. I feel like I don't really... belong? I don't know how to explain it without sounding entirely emo/high school. I'm working on it.
I think a lot of that feeling has to do with my recent inability to paaaartay. Hopefully during this finals period I'll get my groove back. I miss it. D:
I want to reconnect with people this summer, I think. It's such a shame that I only have like, three friends back home. I'd like to at least see people I've fallen out of touch with. Why did I fall out of touch, anyway? I'm really awesome. I think everyone should know that by now. This might be easier now that I'm 21 and bars are an option. Just sayin'.
I applied to bunch of places online for a job this summer. I have a strong feeling that I won't get any of them. In that case, I think I might try and volunteer somewheres. I just need to fill my time. When I sit around (like I'm doing right now) I tend to get down on myself for my inactivity.
Also on the summer agenda is getting my fat butt back into shape. (Cait, if you're reading this, your recent success at running is inspiring! I might try to run myself... I've always been so awful at it, but it's worth a try, right?) I'll also be going to the gym with my little sister, because she needs to get healthy, too.
So, change of subject really quick. Jeff's officially working and living in Lansing, Michigan which means, well, if things continue the way they currently are... I will in all liklihood also be living and (hopefully) working there, too, in about a year's time. Scary shit, right? Sometimes I feel silly about how young I am and how serious our relationship is... but really, fuck whoever thinks it's dumb. My relationship isn't for everyone, but I'm happier than I've ever been, and I won't let other peoples' apprehensions about their futures deter me. I'm not eloping, I'm not knocked-up, and I'm not doing anything insane. (My grandma had already been married and had two kids by my age--that's fucking insane.)
...sorry about that rant. I just get the feeling most people I know think I'm crazy. It pisses me off that people think it's okay to judge me. IT'S NOT. I will rip anyone a new asshole who thinks it's okay to impose their life plans on me. >:|
Wow, I didn't even know I had that in me.
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| i can't think of a fun title |
[26 Jan 2009|11:26pm] |
some nights it feels like my jaw muscles are too tight or something. it's awkward. and makes me fear that i have lockjaw.
my surprise jeff visit went well. i scared the bejesus out of him in a barnes and noble--romantic, right? it was just really nice to see him again before belgium. it made me a lot more at ease.
i have so much to do before i leave. most importantly: order contacts, pick up pills, do laundries, finish packins, clean room. exhilarating, i know.
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[13 Jan 2009|11:53am] |
i can't help feeling really, really forgetable. i think it's the reason why i stay in at night instead of hanging out with friendly people. sure, they invite me out--but in the back of my mind, i'm always telling myself they're just being nice, that they couldn't possibly want to spend time with me.
i go to dunkin donuts literally every morning. i see other patrons instantly recognized, their cups filled without ordering. today, for the first time, the cashier looked at me and said "medium french, light and sweet?" wrong. but i said yes, to feel like someone remembered me for something.
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| here we go again |
[11 Jan 2009|09:45am] |
the other night my mom was drinking at dinner and decided it was appropriate to declare to hannah and i, choking back tears, how she knows every bad thing we've ever done, but still loves us anyway. she later yelled at me about my father's death and--i think?--was trying to tell me that i need to be careful of heart disease, which i already knew. (literally every man on my dad's side has died of heart disease around 50, or earlier.)
it was emotional. i felt like i was back again, four years ago. i felt vulnerable, young, stupid. but then i thought: what am i really upset about? being a dumb teen? sneaking out? sneaking around with boys? lying? isn't that what you do when you're growing up?
anyway, i still can't shake the feeling. i cleaned the house and have been on my best behavior. it just feels odd to be 16, trapped in a 20-year-old's body.
so, now a run-down of things i have to do before going to belg:
- GET MY VISA FROM FEDEX :D
- call my bank and credit card companies to let them know i'll be abroad so they don't freeze my stuff
- go to the bank to cash in change and get euro
- make sure my adapter is actually what i need so my computer doesn't explode
- buy a better rain jacket, another pair of jeans, and a bottle of febreeze
- do my remaining laundry
- repack for the 10th time
- get my nails did
- get my hurr cut
- get my eyebrowz waxxxed
- go to the doctor and get horse tranqs for the flight...?
...i'm sure there's more. i'm actually doing okay on the packing front... i have to pack socks, wife beaterz, and jeans yet, but i have a lot of shirts, underwear, sweaters, shoes, and toiletries packed. i'm not even doing too bad space-wise, but i might pick up some of those space bag things anyway, for my sweaters and such. (i am checking one medium-sized suitcase and one carry-on-sized suitcase, and carrying-on my big backpack and my laptop case.)
how interesting! i think i want to buy pugsley a jacket today. he is such a wuss about going outside in the winter... i figure it can't hurt, right?
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| thank you baby jesus |
[10 Jan 2009|12:50pm] |
i am now the proud owner of zebra-print heels. they look like this:
minus the buckle, and the heel and piping are RED. ALL FOR $29.99.
...could they be more fabulous? i think not.
i also bought some sweet $29.99 boots:
(those legs are not mine, btw).
i got a purse too!!!!!!! but that is too hard to track down on the interwebs.
AND AND AND MY VISA IS IN THE MAIL, COMING TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE...
BELGIUM, HERE I COME!
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| oh look, one has flown a-way, what a shame |
[04 Jan 2009|10:48am] |
jeff, matt, bri, and sam left me yesterday.
katie and brittany and leaving on tuesday.
D:
it's strange. i feel excited for them all, but at the same time sad that i won't be a part of their respective journeys now. i don't get to leave until february 1, so i'm stranded here in nj waiting for pretty european pictures and skype calls. it's a sorry state of affairs.
i'm on the edge of my seat for belgium. i'm very nervous about packing. i'm nervous about lots of things, really. what if no one likes me? i ask myself. then i realize i'm no longer in 9th grade; i can do this. plenty of people like me. i'll be OK.
so, my room is a disaster. while jeff was here i didn't want to clean because, honestly, i'd rather cuddle. now begins the long, tiresome process of cleanin' my shit. awesome. maybe i'll trick my sister into helping.
i'm concerned about sushi, my little betta. my mom got me this sick r2d2 tank for him to live in, but... i don't think he's diggin' the new pad. i think i might just keep him in until i leave for belgium, then change him into his old tank, under the ruse of it being easier for my mom.
so, back to christmas. i got a ridiculous amount of stuff, as usual.
some highlights from my mom:
NEW LAPTOP
r2d2 tank
air purifier
a box filled with stuff i'll need for belgium, like medicines and toiletries
swanky sweaters
from jeff's mom:
A PINK AND BEDAZZLED HELLO KITTY MOUSE
from jeff:
a locket with pictures of us in it (so i'll remember him in belgium, haha)
little miss sunshine
penelope
a frog chia pet (we have been searching for chia pets for almost 2 years now)
it was good times.
...my stomach is making strange noises, so i guess that ends this brief entry.
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| hny |
[01 Jan 2009|11:00am] |
happy new year
resolution: write in journal/blog whilst in belgium
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| well well well |
[13 Dec 2008|09:23am] |
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music |
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you don't know what love is - white stripes |
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things are tooth-achingly sweet in baltimore. yesterday was my last day of work at grad admissions; tomorrow is my last day in the writing center (for this year, on both of those items). additionally, i've already finished one final and one portfolio, leaving one final today (boohiss) and two portfolios coming up; i can see the light at the end of it alllll!
this semester has been pretty easy compared to last semester, but i'm pumped for it to be over. my poetry class this semester was shitty. theology was a waste of time. i am still not sure what the objective of civic literacy was. oh well.
jeff is flying in on monday and staying for christmas and new year's. i'm especially excited about that since i haven't seen him in, really, about three months. (he visited two months ago and i came down with the plague.)
jesus, i am sweating right now.
i am getting increasingly nervous about belgium. what am i going to pack? when am i going to pack? ahhhghhgh. i bought one of those dorky (and practical) neck wallet things for when i'm travelling in sketchball places. luckily, belgium has ridiculously low crime rates, so i'm not too concerned about getting my shit taken there. i still need to apply for my visa, but i am going to do that on december 19th, the first day i get home. i wanted to get it done earlier, but i didn't know how/where to get a money order or certified check.
we had secret santa in our apartment the other day. i got an incredibly large coffee cup (which i am currently using) and A DANCING WALL-E. i don't think i could have been more excited.
i'm sorry this is so boring, but you've read it up to this point, so srsly, it's your own fault you didn't peace sooner.
we've been trying to figure out senior housing for weeks now. it's frustrating, and i am close to jumping ship and sleeping in a tent in the middle of campus.
i am still not sure what to do with sushi when i go abroad. he's kind of a pain to maintain, so maybe i'll just leave him with my mom.
oh, i just realized jeff and i have been together... a year and eight months? jesus.
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[11 Dec 2008|08:48am] |
before next thursday i have
7.5 hours of work in the writing center
6 hours of work in grad admissions
1 "take-home final" essay
3 new poems to write
7 poems to revise
1 essay to fundamentally alter/put in a new form
1 essay/syllabus for a new, made up class that i have to design
wtf?
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[08 Dec 2008|10:24pm] |
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don't you love when your friends ditch you?
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[02 Dec 2008|10:26am] |
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i think i might have an addiction to orange g2.
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| sorry poetry prof |
[20 Nov 2008|08:25am] |
i don't like you, ned,
though i'm sorry to say it.
you are very strange.
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[17 Nov 2008|07:59am] |
someone bumped it
the coffee pot churned all night
i want my caffeine
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