SIOBHANASAURUS RANTINGS

Since I've been on an updating roll...

2009-12-09T05:28:21Z

I went through I trying ordeal today buying Presence for Christmas gifts for an adult male (named Larry; I don't even know him and I'm already overly attached to him) and a four year-old girl (named Deonte; all she wants is Dora things). It was just tiring. Then I made the mistake of having a celebratory beer when I came home, and now I'm all but sleep-typing.

I have to finish a paper for tomorrow, but it's looking increasingly like I'll just do it in the morning, after a nice cup of coffee. Ah, well.

Also, if there is one thing I can't stand in the world, it's incompetence. And, along the same lines, rudeness (which I think is a subcategory to incompetence). I encountered both today at the Towson Town Center's resident Verizon kiosk. However, I didn't yell at the woman "helping" me, and I will regard that as my victory for the day.

On to sleep...

Note to Self:

2009-12-07T00:19:05Z

New Year's Resolution: Try to overcome your abrasive personality; remember that not everyone enjoys the brush of a Brillo pad against their tender ego.

It's been a while.

2009-12-04T14:07:10Z

I don't think anyone knows a damn thing about poetry.

...that's all.

Well you done, done me in

2009-06-02T12:33:21Z

So... less than a month to go until the grand ol' USA takes me back.

Lately I've been very mixed emotiony. I'm a little depressed, I think, especially seeing that everyone is home now and having fun well, without me. It's dumb, but I really can't help it. Compounding that overwhelming feeling is the fact that right now I have a tremendous amount of downtime on my hands... I literally have only two finals within the next 26 days. Ridiculous.

I've been having a hard time going out and partying lately, too. More than lately. I think it was since I freaked out in Rome and verbally harassed Jeff at 5 in the morning. It was awful, and I still don't think I can forgive myself for it. But it's really dragging me down.

What also sucks is I have all of this free time to travel, but no one to travel with, because no one else has such an open schedule. I'll be going with Jess to Amsterdam after my last final (June 19), but other than that, I'll be trapped in Belgium. Hopefully I can at least get out to the coast (Oostende).

And, on the bright side, this will give me a lot of time to read. I picked up "The Curious Incident of the Dog int he Night-Time" (Mark Haddon) and "Slaughterhouse 5" (Kurt Vonnegut) to start with, but I have a feeling I'll power through more than just though two books before I leave.

I feel so out of place lately. I'm always paranoid about fitting in, but lately I've just felt so anti-social and strange. I feel like I don't really... belong? I don't know how to explain it without sounding entirely emo/high school. I'm working on it.

I think a lot of that feeling has to do with my recent inability to paaaartay. Hopefully during this finals period I'll get my groove back. I miss it. D:

I want to reconnect with people this summer, I think. It's such a shame that I only have like, three friends back home. I'd like to at least see people I've fallen out of touch with. Why did I fall out of touch, anyway? I'm really awesome. I think everyone should know that by now. This might be easier now that I'm 21 and bars are an option. Just sayin'.

I applied to bunch of places online for a job this summer. I have a strong feeling that I won't get any of them. In that case, I think I might try and volunteer somewheres. I just need to fill my time. When I sit around (like I'm doing right now) I tend to get down on myself for my inactivity.

Also on the summer agenda is getting my fat butt back into shape. (Cait, if you're reading this, your recent success at running is inspiring! I might try to run myself... I've always been so awful at it, but it's worth a try, right?) I'll also be going to the gym with my little sister, because she needs to get healthy, too.

So, change of subject really quick. Jeff's officially working and living in Lansing, Michigan which means, well, if things continue the way they currently are... I will in all liklihood also be living and (hopefully) working there, too, in about a year's time. Scary shit, right? Sometimes I feel silly about how young I am and how serious our relationship is... but really, fuck whoever thinks it's dumb. My relationship isn't for everyone, but I'm happier than I've ever been, and I won't let other peoples' apprehensions about their futures deter me. I'm not eloping, I'm not knocked-up, and I'm not doing anything insane. (My grandma had already been married and had two kids by my age--that's fucking insane.)

...sorry about that rant. I just get the feeling most people I know think I'm crazy. It pisses me off that people think it's okay to judge me. IT'S NOT. I will rip anyone a new asshole who thinks it's okay to impose their life plans on me. >:|

Wow, I didn't even know I had that in me.

bear with me here

2009-05-04T17:59:52Z

I've come to realize that my hair:
is 80% of my appeal and/or personality

I've come to realize that when I talk:
i'm higher pitched than i intend to be.

I've come to realize that all I really need:
is a comfy bed and cheap wine

I've come to realize that I've lost:
my happy-go-lucky and generally non-suspicious side. whoops.

I've come to realize that I hate it when:
people say "like" too many times. grow up!

I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
i'm going to rap, get low, and puke. in that order.

I've come to realize that money:
is something i will never have... unless i marry rich, and quick.

I've come to realize that when I get old:
i'll refer to my grandchildren as snackfoods.
"c'mere, ya little twinkie."

I've come to realize that I'll always be:
socially inept and kind of a snobby bitch.
but i swear i'm trying to work on it.

I've come to realize that I have a crush on:
taylor kitsch. aka gambit.

I've come to realize that the last time I cried was:
because i was angry. i might need therapy.

I've come to realize that my cell phone:
is not necessary to my survival. 3+ months and going strong.

I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
a cup of coffee is paramount to entering heaven.

I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:
think of happy things, then horrifying/depressing/self-deprecating ones, then happy things again.

I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
davy's stash of pirated movies

I've come to realize that my life:
is actually awesome

I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook:
i am still bored but will waste no less than 45 minutes

I've come to realize that today I will:
not get any of my paper on the jewish museum done. what a shame.

I've come to realize that tonight I will:
probably need a glass of wine to cope with my neighbor's incessant cycle of fighting and fucking

I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
eat a sandwich bigger than my torso

I've come to realize that I wish I could be:
not such a closet perfectionist. easier on myself.

I've come to realize relationships:
are either amazing or fucking shitty.

I've come to realize love:
is awesome and easily mistaken for other emotions. such as like, hatred, or hunger.

I've come to realize my best guy friend:
is probably prettier and better dressed than i am.

I've come to realize my best girl friend:
is a stone-cold fox.

I've come to realize food is:
orgasmic.

I've come to realize that summer:
is overrated.

I've come to realize heartbreak is:
trite.

I've come to realize that my sister:
is pretty much a carbon copy of me.

I've come to realize that crying:
is best done in a movie theatre.

I've come to realize that death:
is natural. our bodies become the grass... and then the antelope eat the grass...

I've come to realize that I'm sick:
of mozzarella, feta, and emmantal cheeses.

I've come to realize when I'm bored:
i could be writing. or exercising.

HAHAHAAH

2009-01-30T14:42:02Z

PRO-ISLAMIC BABYDOLL GIBBERISH?!?1/1!?

my fave quote is, "Earlier this year, Florida parents claimed that a Tickle Me Elmo doll, another Mattel product, made death threats against their son, James."

i can't think of a fun title

2009-01-27T04:32:08Z

some nights it feels like my jaw muscles are too tight or something. it's awkward. and makes me fear that i have lockjaw.

my surprise jeff visit went well. i scared the bejesus out of him in a barnes and noble--romantic, right? it was just really nice to see him again before belgium. it made me a lot more at ease.

i have so much to do before i leave. most importantly: order contacts, pick up pills, do laundries, finish packins, clean room. exhilarating, i know.

ohhhhh come to mama

2009-01-19T03:35:25Z

Édgar Ramírez, I love you.

hey_shoveoff @ 2009-01-13T11:53:00

2009-01-13T16:55:56Z

i can't help feeling really, really forgetable. i think it's the reason why i stay in at night instead of hanging out with friendly people. sure, they invite me out--but in the back of my mind, i'm always telling myself they're just being nice, that they couldn't possibly want to spend time with me.

i go to dunkin donuts literally every morning. i see other patrons instantly recognized, their cups filled without ordering. today, for the first time, the cashier looked at me and said "medium french, light and sweet?" wrong. but i said yes, to feel like someone remembered me for something.

here we go again

2009-01-11T15:07:20Z

the other night my mom was drinking at dinner and decided it was appropriate to declare to hannah and i, choking back tears, how she knows every bad thing we've ever done, but still loves us anyway. she later yelled at me about my father's death and--i think?--was trying to tell me that i need to be careful of heart disease, which i already knew. (literally every man on my dad's side has died of heart disease around 50, or earlier.)

it was emotional. i felt like i was back again, four years ago. i felt vulnerable, young, stupid. but then i thought: what am i really upset about? being a dumb teen? sneaking out? sneaking around with boys? lying? isn't that what you do when you're growing up?

anyway, i still can't shake the feeling. i cleaned the house and have been on my best behavior. it just feels odd to be 16, trapped in a 20-year-old's body.

so, now a run-down of things i have to do before going to belg:
- GET MY VISA FROM FEDEX :D
- call my bank and credit card companies to let them know i'll be abroad so they don't freeze my stuff
- go to the bank to cash in change and get euro
- make sure my adapter is actually what i need so my computer doesn't explode
- buy a better rain jacket, another pair of jeans, and a bottle of febreeze
- do my remaining laundry
- repack for the 10th time
- get my nails did
- get my hurr cut
- get my eyebrowz waxxxed
- go to the doctor and get horse tranqs for the flight...?

...i'm sure there's more. i'm actually doing okay on the packing front... i have to pack socks, wife beaterz, and jeans yet, but i have a lot of shirts, underwear, sweaters, shoes, and toiletries packed. i'm not even doing too bad space-wise, but i might pick up some of those space bag things anyway, for my sweaters and such. (i am checking one medium-sized suitcase and one carry-on-sized suitcase, and carrying-on my big backpack and my laptop case.)

how interesting! i think i want to buy pugsley a jacket today. he is such a wuss about going outside in the winter... i figure it can't hurt, right?

thank you baby jesus

2009-01-10T17:54:32Z

i am now the proud owner of zebra-print heels. they look like this:

minus the buckle, and the heel and piping are RED. ALL FOR $29.99.

...could they be more fabulous? i think not.

i also bought some sweet $29.99 boots:

(those legs are not mine, btw).

i got a purse too!!!!!!! but that is too hard to track down on the interwebs.

AND AND AND MY VISA IS IN THE MAIL, COMING TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE...
BELGIUM, HERE I COME!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-08T15:25:44Z

The author of the book that I reviewed E-MAILED ME! And I quote:

Dear Siobhan:

I was surprised to learn that you were a junior in the writing program
rather than an Assistant Professor at Loyola! I felt your review of *The
Clock Made of Confetti* was very fair and well written. In today's
situation, most serious poets are read by their colleagues; I am very
gratified to see that a student is reading my work and that it really meant
something to her. I'm sure you know that RATTLE is one of the best West
Coast literary magazines; you should feel very proud having your work appear
on its site.

Thank you again for the time and effort involved in writing a review of my
book. I would be happy to meet with you at any time. All of my contact
information is below.

With best wishes for the New Year,

Michael Salcman, M.D.
Special Lecturer
Osher Institute, Towson University

oh, btw

2009-01-04T20:56:26Z

my published book review

:D:D:D

oh look, one has flown a-way, what a shame

2009-01-04T15:59:23Z

jeff, matt, bri, and sam left me yesterday.
katie and brittany and leaving on tuesday.
D:

it's strange. i feel excited for them all, but at the same time sad that i won't be a part of their respective journeys now. i don't get to leave until february 1, so i'm stranded here in nj waiting for pretty european pictures and skype calls. it's a sorry state of affairs.

i'm on the edge of my seat for belgium. i'm very nervous about packing. i'm nervous about lots of things, really. what if no one likes me? i ask myself. then i realize i'm no longer in 9th grade; i can do this. plenty of people like me. i'll be OK.

so, my room is a disaster. while jeff was here i didn't want to clean because, honestly, i'd rather cuddle. now begins the long, tiresome process of cleanin' my shit. awesome. maybe i'll trick my sister into helping.

i'm concerned about sushi, my little betta. my mom got me this sick r2d2 tank for him to live in, but... i don't think he's diggin' the new pad. i think i might just keep him in until i leave for belgium, then change him into his old tank, under the ruse of it being easier for my mom.

so, back to christmas. i got a ridiculous amount of stuff, as usual.
some highlights from my mom:
NEW LAPTOP
r2d2 tank
air purifier
a box filled with stuff i'll need for belgium, like medicines and toiletries
swanky sweaters

from jeff's mom:
A PINK AND BEDAZZLED HELLO KITTY MOUSE

from jeff:
a locket with pictures of us in it (so i'll remember him in belgium, haha)
little miss sunshine
penelope
a frog chia pet (we have been searching for chia pets for almost 2 years now)

it was good times.
...my stomach is making strange noises, so i guess that ends this brief entry.

hny

2009-01-01T16:00:26Z

happy new year

resolution: write in journal/blog whilst in belgium

not my chair, not my problem.

2008-12-15T14:44:44Z

that's what i always say.

well well well

2008-12-13T14:40:40Z

things are tooth-achingly sweet in baltimore. yesterday was my last day of work at grad admissions; tomorrow is my last day in the writing center (for this year, on both of those items). additionally, i've already finished one final and one portfolio, leaving one final today (boohiss) and two portfolios coming up; i can see the light at the end of it alllll!

this semester has been pretty easy compared to last semester, but i'm pumped for it to be over. my poetry class this semester was shitty. theology was a waste of time. i am still not sure what the objective of civic literacy was. oh well.

jeff is flying in on monday and staying for christmas and new year's. i'm especially excited about that since i haven't seen him in, really, about three months. (he visited two months ago and i came down with the plague.)

jesus, i am sweating right now.

i am getting increasingly nervous about belgium. what am i going to pack? when am i going to pack? ahhhghhgh. i bought one of those dorky (and practical) neck wallet things for when i'm travelling in sketchball places. luckily, belgium has ridiculously low crime rates, so i'm not too concerned about getting my shit taken there. i still need to apply for my visa, but i am going to do that on december 19th, the first day i get home. i wanted to get it done earlier, but i didn't know how/where to get a money order or certified check.

we had secret santa in our apartment the other day. i got an incredibly large coffee cup (which i am currently using) and A DANCING WALL-E. i don't think i could have been more excited.

i'm sorry this is so boring, but you've read it up to this point, so srsly, it's your own fault you didn't peace sooner.

we've been trying to figure out senior housing for weeks now. it's frustrating, and i am close to jumping ship and sleeping in a tent in the middle of campus.

i am still not sure what to do with sushi when i go abroad. he's kind of a pain to maintain, so maybe i'll just leave him with my mom.

oh, i just realized jeff and i have been together... a year and eight months? jesus.

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-12-11T08:48:00

2008-12-11T13:50:58Z

before next thursday i have
7.5 hours of work in the writing center
6 hours of work in grad admissions
1 "take-home final" essay
3 new poems to write
7 poems to revise
1 essay to fundamentally alter/put in a new form
1 essay/syllabus for a new, made up class that i have to design

wtf?

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-12-08T22:24:00

2008-12-09T03:25:00Z

don't you love when your friends ditch you?

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-12-04T09:51:00

2008-12-04T14:51:55Z

http://magazinely.com/weird/weird-and-naughty-questions-for-magazines

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-12-02T10:26:00

2008-12-02T15:27:15Z

i think i might have an addiction to orange g2.

sorry poetry prof

2008-11-20T13:26:20Z

i don't like you, ned,
though i'm sorry to say it.
you are very strange.

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-11-17T07:59:00

2008-11-17T13:00:11Z

someone bumped it
the coffee pot churned all night
i want my caffeine

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-11-14T09:22:00

2008-11-14T14:23:34Z

i'm always tired. :[

hey_shoveoff @ 2008-11-09T15:53:00

2008-11-09T20:54:35Z

also: a review
i wrote on some poetry
will be published, dec.